Sweet Dreams

I was lying in a crinkly bag, when, much to my alarm,
a jelly baby peered inside and grabbed me by the arm!

It pulled me up from out the bag, and with a sickly sound,
dipped me in a sugar bowl, and passed me all around
some gaudy, coloured substances of every size and shape;
I screamed - oh, how I shouted out, and struggled to escape!

I sensed my captors laughing at my feeble little squeals,
and shivered as I heard them say “He now knows how it feels
to be handled and selected as a tiny sugared treat,
and kept inside a goodie bag, as something nice to eat!”

I found myself being lifted up and stuffed down deep inside
the gullet of a lemon drop, and felt that I’d just died!
I woke up in a heavy sweat, as one about to scream,
confiding in my loving wife, I told her of my dream.

I was hoping for some sympathy, but she just yawned and said:
“Don’t eat so many sweets, you fool, before you come to bed!”

MY DOG, THE MUSICIAN

My dog likes to play the piano,
He keeps me awake every night.
He's practiced since he was a puppy,
But still he just can't get it right.

He's soft and he's friendly and harmless,
Since he lost all his teeth in a fight.
Any pain is produced by his playing,
For his Bach is much worse than his bite.

Umbrella Head

"I come from the planet Lotzarain,"
the peculiar creature said.
"My real name is ‘Putyabroliup’
but my friends call me Umbrella Head."

Then, as the heavens opened,
his head did just the same.
So I huddled close beneath it,
sheltering from the rain.

Flu

A piglet didn’t feel too well,
He coughed and sneezed all day.
His mother took his temperature,
Called 'Vetline' right away.

A vet arrived, examined him,
And said “Without a doubt –
Another case of human flu;
There’s lots of it about!”

He handed out some tablets:
“Make sure that these are taken.
Take them all, and stay indoors –
Or you’ll end up as bacon!”

The piglet suffered for a week,
Then woke up feeling fine,
But shocked his mother when he said:
“That flu was such a swine!”

Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door

An MP went to heaven
On account of being dead,
Knocked upon The Pearly Gates,
With confidence, he said:
“Hey! St. Peter! Let me in!
The rules say that you should!
I’ve worked so hard in Parliament –
All for the public good!”
How shocked he was, when,
From inside, St Peter gave a yell:
“This is just your second home!
Your main one’s down in Hell!”

The Snake Oil Salesman

Demand for snake oil’s plummeted,
The salesman’s lost his job.
He checks the worldwide network
For suckers he can rob.

His eyes light on the British Isles
Where greed and sloth is rife.
He utilises all his wiles
To build a brand new life.

With worthless shares and dodgy loans
He earns a massive bonus.
Never mind inflated homes,
The jobless and the homeless!

Fools go on admiring him,
Until the great big crash.
Then they yell at government
“Oi! You lot! Where’s our cash?”

The Ministers and experts,
Like headless chickens running,
Scurry round in circles -
They didn’t see it coming!

The conman’s made his packet,
Cashed it in and fled,
Laughing as the rest of us
Are calling for his head.